I saw this quote from another bereaved Mom and it touched me.
"There is a big hole in my heart that will never ever ever go away, and this I know for a fact. I can learn to live with the hole, but the hole is now a part of who I am. And that really pisses me off. I didn't want the hole, I didn't ask for the hole, I want the hole to go away and it never goes away. Every morning I wake up and there is the hole, some days it is a big unmanageable hole, other days it is a smaller more manageable hole, but the hole is always present. I HATE THE HOLE."
I could so relate to this comment. She went on to talk about the anger associated with grief. I responded with some thoughts of my own...
"Losing a child isn't fair and we all have a right to be angry. We don't have answers and that is difficult. Why are drug abusers, child abusers, etc allowed to have healthy children while ours die? Why do some people have intact sets of higher order multiples that aren't supposed to be "safe" and yet our statistically "safe" children are dead? Why did some of us have to spend all of our money only to have a child (or children) taken away? Why do we have to make the hard decisions (decisions to end a child's life support, decisions on making funeral plans, etc) while others get the easy decisions of picking out a nursery theme? Why do we (often) have medically fragile survivors to deal with IN ADDITION to the grief of losing a child? Why, why, why? I could go on and on and on. We have a right to be angry. As long as you don't get bitter about everything. I think as long as you can still appreciate the things you DO have...then it's ok to be angry about the things you DON'T have."
I am almost 12 years out from my losses and still not a day goes by that I don't feel that empty hole of something missing. I still experience a melancholy moment every time I see cute little girls. I am so SO thankful for my (mostly) healthy boys but still grieve the chance to raise a daughter. My Mom was very masculine and I never had a typical mother/daughter relationship with her where she taught me girly things. I wanted to do that with my daughters.
I guess I'm just thinking about them more as I'm approaching their birth/death dates in the month(s) ahead.
To my friends who have stuck by me through all of this...I appreciate you!