Tuesday, June 24, 2008
On this day 11 years ago, I said goodbye to my baby girl. I was 25 weeks and 3 days gestation with triplets when Amber's water broke. They hospitalized me and when no labor ensued they stepped me down to wait out the rest of the time. They were hoping for 32 weeks. But Amber had other ideas. Her cord prolapsed and by the time they rushed me to the OR the cord had quit pulsing. The OB did an ultrasound and then the perinatologist did another ultrasound. They both told me Amber had died inside me. They proceeded with the cesarean to get the other two babies out. They got Amber first and laid her to the side and went to grab the next one and Amber started moving! I have the doctor's report of the delivery. He states in it multiple times that they have no idea how she was born alive. The nurses nicknamed her "Amazing Grace" and she was the talk of the hospital. She was whisked off to the NICU as were her siblings. She was the only one doing well enough for me to see that night. She was my fighter. The next night they came and got me and told me she wasn't going to make it through the night. I sat by her and talked to her and touched her. She pulled through. The next night I woke up early (like 4 a.m.) and called the NICU. They told me she had been awake and doing well all night. I went back to sleep. An hour later they were at my bedside with a wheelchair. Her premature lungs had clamped down and they weren't having any luck reviving her. I watched as they tried to get air to her. After she passed away I finally got to hold her for the first time. All one pound one ounce of pure fight.
The pain has dulled over time (although I sit here with tears pouring down my face). I will never forget her or her sister. Life moves on whether I'm ready for it to do so or not. I still look at little girls and wonder what my daughters would have looked like. I still go to my son's school activities (my only survivor of the triplets) and struggle not to cry because I know there should be three of them up there performing.
Has it gotten "easier"? Yes. Will it ever be "easy" or "ok" that it happened? NO.