Massive Characters

I heard this quote on Criminal Minds yesterday and it is so true.

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls. The most massive characters are seared with scars." Khalil Gibran

I have had both the torment and the blessing of losing two children. Torment because I lost them and it tore my heart apart...but blessing because in the process I met many other parents who have lost children and each of them are 'massive characters' and I am lucky to know them. I believe that I have also become a better/stronger/more compassionate person because of their deaths.

I do not believe 'everything happens for a reason' but I do believe we can use a bad experience to learn and grow.

Grief musings

I saw this quote from another bereaved Mom and it touched me.

"There is a big hole in my heart that will never ever ever go away, and this I know for a fact. I can learn to live with the hole, but the hole is now a part of who I am. And that really pisses me off. I didn't want the hole, I didn't ask for the hole, I want the hole to go away and it never goes away. Every morning I wake up and there is the hole, some days it is a big unmanageable hole, other days it is a smaller more manageable hole, but the hole is always present. I HATE THE HOLE."

I could so relate to this comment. She went on to talk about the anger associated with grief. I responded with some thoughts of my own...

"Losing a child isn't fair and we all have a right to be angry. We don't have answers and that is difficult. Why are drug abusers, child abusers, etc allowed to have healthy children while ours die? Why do some people have intact sets of higher order multiples that aren't supposed to be "safe" and yet our statistically "safe" children are dead? Why did some of us have to spend all of our money only to have a child (or children) taken away? Why do we have to make the hard decisions (decisions to end a child's life support, decisions on making funeral plans, etc) while others get the easy decisions of picking out a nursery theme? Why do we (often) have medically fragile survivors to deal with IN ADDITION to the grief of losing a child? Why, why, why? I could go on and on and on. We have a right to be angry. As long as you don't get bitter about everything. I think as long as you can still appreciate the things you DO have...then it's ok to be angry about the things you DON'T have."

I am almost 12 years out from my losses and still not a day goes by that I don't feel that empty hole of something missing. I still experience a melancholy moment every time I see cute little girls. I am so SO thankful for my (mostly) healthy boys but still grieve the chance to raise a daughter. My Mom was very masculine and I never had a typical mother/daughter relationship with her where she taught me girly things. I wanted to do that with my daughters.

I guess I'm just thinking about them more as I'm approaching their birth/death dates in the month(s) ahead.

To my friends who have stuck by me through all of this...I appreciate you!

Happy Mother's Day!

Just wanted to send out a 'Happy Mother's Day' to all the ladies out there who have children (whether children on earth or children in heaven). Also, wanted to send my thoughts out to those who may find this day difficult...maybe the loss of a child or the loss of your Mom.

For me, this day is mixed. I still feel it is mostly about MY Mom and my mom has been gone for 11 years now. So, that makes me sad. But my boys are getting older and I love the cards they make for me and the things they write in them are too funny. So, that makes me happy. But my girls are in heaven. So, that makes me sad. And thus, you see, my mixed feelings. It does seem, as the years pass it becomes more happy feelings and less sad feelings. So that is good.

Jane

Sharing

Remember yesterday I shared the blog with you where they will write your deceased child's name in the sand? I sent them an email asking them to write our daughters' names in the sand...and it was posted today already! Wow, that was fast. You can see our daughters' pictures of the beach HERE.

I promise I will try to stamp today. Just have been feeling a little tired and overwhelmed at work during the week and on the weekends I just want to climb into bed with a book. So I haven't been creating much. I do want to make some halloween treats for coworkers (can't decide what yet though) and I printed off Beate's weekend sketch challenge. So at least I have some inspiration. I'll post something new this week...promise!

Jane

Amazing Blog to Share

If you have spent any large amount of time on my blog...you will know that I am the mom to two little girls who passed away shortly after their birth. They were part of a set of triplets - born too early.

Today a friend shared this blog with me. I read it with tears streaming down my face. What an AMAZING thought to do this for other people. Go check it out!

It's called Names In The Sand. Now I wish I lived near a beach.

We do have a park called Children's Memorial Park and my children's names are there on a plaque. But these beach pictures are amazing! So peaceful and perfect. Anyways, click on the title in the paragraph above and it'll take you to their site.

Jane

Cheyenne's Day

Today is the 11th anniversary of my daughter Cheyenne's death. She was 15 days old. The previous day we had been told by the nursing staff that her chances of survival had gone up from 50% to 75%. That day was the first day I took "off" from going to the NICU. Instead I went with my husband to his workplace and made up a birth announcement on the computer and sent out some email updates about how well my surviving two triplets were doing.

This is Cheyenne - taken on her 14th day of life - I celebrated each week with a new 3x5 card...



We brought the camcorder with us to the NICU that evening for the first time. When we showed up we were told to wait outside because a baby was coding. I knew it was one of mine. I asked and they confirmed that it was Cheyenne. My husband went off to use the phone to call his Mom. I waited outside the door. They came out and updated me. She'd dropped her heart rate and she'd been down for almost 20 minutes. I asked IF she survived what her quality of life would be like. They said she'd be severely brain damaged from the lack of oxygen. I asked if we could make the choice to discontinue efforts. They said we could. So when my husband came back we talked about it and had them discontinue efforts.

They took her off the vent and handed her to me in the blanket. She opened one eye and looked at me as if to say goodbye. We took turns holding her and touching her. Occasionally a doctor would pop into the "family room" to check and see if her heart was still beating. Even though she was (for all purposes) dead they had to wait till her heart quit beating before they called her time of death. And because they'd given her so much medication to try and get her heart beat to accelerate...it seemed like it took forever before she was finally gone. This is the only "movie" I have of her...and it's still somewhere on the original 8mm tape. We've never viewed it or put it to regular tape.

I grew up as the only girl in a family of boys. My Mom was quite masculine as well. I wanted a daughter to do all the girly things with. When I was pregnant I'd always say there were two girls for me and a boy for dad. Well, with Cheyenne my dreams for a daughter died as well. There would be noone for me to dress up and do their hair. Noone to take shopping. Noone to teach to bake. Noone to buy an ezbake oven for.

I don't care how many years pass - I have never been able to find any sense to the experience we faced. I'm not a better person because of it (stronger maybe but not better). I was a good person to begin with. In general, with grief you try to focus on the positive things you got from knowing the person. When your children live for such a short time and their whole life is painful...it's impossible to find that something positive to focus on.

My beliefs in God have changed. I no longer believe in a micro God. A macro God that created the earth and that has a general plan for our life...that idea I can still believe. But a micro God who knows and cares about everything in our life. That I can't believe. I can't believe a micro God with "all knowing and all power" would allow what happened to happen. And I can't set foot in a church after the "family" I belonged to for several years then decided they needed to blame me for my daughters' deaths. When bad things happen it can't be God's fault so it must be the fault of the person it happened to. I was told by church leadership that I must have had my priorities out of line and wanted my girls more than I wanted God and that's why He TOOK them. I was also told that if it weren't for my lack of faith that I'd still have all my babies (like the McCaughy's). Not a single person from that church sent a card or offered to help in any way. No food was brought. No rides were given to the hospital (I'd had a c-section and wasn't able to drive). And when I called my pastor after Cheyenne died (after losing two children in two weeks time) he asked if I absolutely NEEDED him because he was busy with preparing for his son's wedding. I told him no...I guess I didn't NEED him. Grrr.

So I'm sorry if I offend anyone by stating my beliefs. And please don't try to "fix" my beliefs. They won't change. Believing in a macro God is the best I can do...and that's my own PERSONAL belief. I no longer will attend a church full of hypocrites who kick people when they are down. It's easy to be on the outside looking in. It's easy to say trite things about God and heaven and angels. It's a whole other experience to hold your child in your arms as their heart quits beating. And until someone has experienced this, then I wish they'd keep their comments to themselves and just offer their support instead of well-intentioned words gone wrong. (No, God didn't NEED my daughters more than I did...I also don't believe He TOOK my daughters - I do believe He RECEIVED my daughters...I don't believe things happen for a reason...etc...etc).

Jane

Amber's Day

On this day 11 years ago, I said goodbye to my baby girl. I was 25 weeks and 3 days gestation with triplets when Amber's water broke. They hospitalized me and when no labor ensued they stepped me down to wait out the rest of the time. They were hoping for 32 weeks. But Amber had other ideas. Her cord prolapsed and by the time they rushed me to the OR the cord had quit pulsing. The OB did an ultrasound and then the perinatologist did another ultrasound. They both told me Amber had died inside me. They proceeded with the cesarean to get the other two babies out. They got Amber first and laid her to the side and went to grab the next one and Amber started moving! I have the doctor's report of the delivery. He states in it multiple times that they have no idea how she was born alive. The nurses nicknamed her "Amazing Grace" and she was the talk of the hospital. She was whisked off to the NICU as were her siblings. She was the only one doing well enough for me to see that night. She was my fighter. The next night they came and got me and told me she wasn't going to make it through the night. I sat by her and talked to her and touched her. She pulled through. The next night I woke up early (like 4 a.m.) and called the NICU. They told me she had been awake and doing well all night. I went back to sleep. An hour later they were at my bedside with a wheelchair. Her premature lungs had clamped down and they weren't having any luck reviving her. I watched as they tried to get air to her. After she passed away I finally got to hold her for the first time. All one pound one ounce of pure fight.



The pain has dulled over time (although I sit here with tears pouring down my face). I will never forget her or her sister. Life moves on whether I'm ready for it to do so or not. I still look at little girls and wonder what my daughters would have looked like. I still go to my son's school activities (my only survivor of the triplets) and struggle not to cry because I know there should be three of them up there performing.

Has it gotten "easier"? Yes. Will it ever be "easy" or "ok" that it happened? NO.

Jane

Happy Father's Day!

I thought this card was appropriate for our two little guys (monkeys) to give to their Dad for Father's Day.



The stamp is one of the Changito Monkeys from Stampendous. The saying is one I created on the computer. I found a free font and downloaded it to use. The coloring is done with prismacolor pencils.

I've made three other cards this weekend but can't share them yet (top secret work in progress!)

There is a park near here called Children's Memorial Park. When my daughters died almost 11 years ago I had their names engraved on the wall at the park. I don't go visit often. But today I did. They have added new walls and a statue. As I read the names on the walls I noticed a few that would have two or three in a row with the same last name. I wondered if they were part of a set of multiples (or all of a set of multiples) like mine. It's 108 degrees here today so I didn't stay long but was feeling the need to visit. We cremated our daughters' remains so there is no grave to go visit. When I'm feeling that need I go to the park. Sometimes I wish we had something more personal to visit but I've never been willing to actually bury the ashes in a cemetary. I thought about burying the ashes with my folks but that's three hours away and I never make it up there. So...nope!

Anyways, hope everyone is staying cool whereever you are. And hope you are getting lots of stamping done!

Jane

Ask My Mom How She Is (poem)

It's been ten years since my daughters passed away. The pain is much less than it used to be. But still, when I saw this poem it touched me and I wanted to share it on my blog. I don't know who authored it. If you happen to know...tell me and I'll give them all the credit they deserve! Jane


Ask My Mom How She Is
by (unknown)

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies,
She never did before
But from now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.

Ask my Mom how she is
And because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
because she can't describe the pain.

Ask my Mom how she is,
She'll say "I'm alright."
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night ?

Ask my Mom how she is
She seems to cope so well,
She didn't have a choice you see,
Nor the strength to yell.

Ask my Mom how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For God's sake Mom, just tell the truth,
Just say your heart is broken.

She'll love me all her life
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
She'll lie and say she's fine.

I am here in Heaven
I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you don't listen
Hug her and hold her near.

On the day we meet again,
We'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say,
"You're lucky to get in here, Mom,
With all the lies you told!"

Memorial Scrapbook Pics

Here are some of the pictures I promised this morning. I just took a few representative photos from each album (actually couldn't find my Mom's album...it's hidden in a SAFE place...LOL). You'll notice I decided to stick with a color scheme for each album. I think that helps keep the perspective on the photos and the memories and creates continuity.

The first two are of my daughter Amber. If you click on the photos they will get bigger. My daughters were part of a set of triplets born too early at 25 weeks. One page contains a quote that someone sent me and it touched me. The other page is the first time I saw/touched her.

The next two are of my daughter Cheyenne. One is her two week "birthday". The card is a 3x5 index card (if that gives you size perspective). The other page is a letter I wrote to her after she'd passed away.

And then we are on to my Dad's memorial album. I did a few unique things you'll notice on some of these pages. For example, they gave me some of the shells from the gun volley. I took these in to the copy place and had them color copied to put into the album (yes, they thought I was crazy...but I didn't care! LOL!) I also looked up the history of each part of the military burial and included the meaning for each part along with the pictures. I also carried the theme through with the red/white/blue colors...and included sanding so that the colors were muted on the cardstocks. This uses a kit from Close To My Heart for the base pages.

I already have something special planned for tomorrow...so make sure you come back! I'm going to try and post SOMETHING every day (whether it be a new project or some general ramblings of a crazy woman! LOL!)